“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean