My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
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nothing saves money like being antisocial
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Hot hot hot 🥵
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.