Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
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Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”