the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
You Might Also Like
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.