Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
how to have an accident 101
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.