Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola