I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Spring of Deception
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.