Good day meowlady
* tips cat
You Might Also Like
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.