I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
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me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Bros before Ohioes
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to