I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Livid.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.