When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
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What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms