If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*