*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?