A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
🙀🙀🙀😹
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Someone just threatened to call me later
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.