There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
You Might Also Like
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??