[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔