Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.