[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…