i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Hotels are back
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.