My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.