Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
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My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.