Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
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When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.