*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Comparing yourself to others
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.