Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I didn’t realize that was an option
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.