You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
You Might Also Like
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Bike for sale
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
when revenge coincides with naptime
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.