I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
We’ve all been there
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]