I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
This hospital has everything
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this