Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.