me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
huge if true: the moon
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
The news in a nutshell.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours