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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Me too 😆
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“