I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t