Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
#parenting
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard: