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Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.