if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
You Might Also Like
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me: