Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
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I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
yes… yes…
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Worth the read.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.