Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
The 6 types of sex
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants