Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.