*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
This is my cat’s medicine.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game