Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
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Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.