most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*