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Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs