FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
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You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!