Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.