[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
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Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Candles never taste the way they smell
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Lucky old June.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?