Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
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7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
wtf is an acronym
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
All food is good if you spell it wrong
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.