from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
You Might Also Like
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
a badder mouse
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal