Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
You Might Also Like
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy