I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
S M O L