If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My sex drive has a dui
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.