Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
going to the ER y’all need anything
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something